Ramblings of a rambler

Good morning, Heartache

2012-02-09T22:39:00.005-07:00

So here's the deal about heartache.

I've been through it before. I know it gets better. Life goes on. But, you know, sometimes I don't want to be told that. Who wants to be told something they already know?

Sometimes you just want to be sad. You want to wallow for a day...or week. The sadness comes and goes. Your mood changes. Sometimes the song of the day is something sad by The Weepies, and sometimes it's something upbeat by Snow Patrol.

For me, there was a lot of Snow Patrol those first two weeks. Then there were bouts of non-stop The Weepies, Jessie J's "Domino," and "They Can't Take That Away From Me" (which just so happens to be one of my favorite songs ever).

See, I'm fine. I've done this before and I can do it again. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I put myself in fictional situations that I know will never happen (think Tom and the party scene in 500 Days of Summer). But it's nothing that I can't handle.

I'll find someone else to take me to England. And someone else to culture with old movies and music. And someone else who loves Harry Potter just as much as I do. I'll find someone else.

And two years from now, I'll know why it all happened. Just like last time.

Uh, you're doing it wrong.

2011-12-05T00:11:00.007-07:00

It was requested that I write a post about kissing. Well, there was more to that request, but I don't think I'll completely oblige the requestee.

But if you think about it--and I mean really think about it--kissing is just...weird. I mean, what's more romantic than swapping spit and germs and all manner of grossness with someone else you (hopefully) really like. Spend a minute to think about that. Makes you want to run to the bathroom and brush your teeth--or throw up.

Well, I present you something else that may make you want to throw up. I love Ellen. She's hilarious. (I really hope that she's still on when I'm ridiculously rich and stay home all day so that I can watch her.) Anyway, I ran across this and found it hilarious. And disturbing. And all sorts of weird.

You back from the bathroom? Yeah. That bride was a bit...aggressive. She, apparently, doesn't watch enough chick flicks to know that kissing does indeed include "less chewing." She married a man, not a chew toy.

And just so the requestee isn't completely disappointed by the lack of information in this post, I knew before this video what a good (and bad) kiss is. And I've been perfecting it in the past six weeks.

"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know."
-Jeanne Bourgeois

A Decade of Change.

2011-09-11T14:44:00.003-06:00

I didn’t understand what terrorism was. I didn’t understand war. War was something that my grandfather fought in—30 years ago. America was safe. Something as big as Pearl Harbor would never occur here again—at least not in my lifetime. Things like this just don’t happen to me.

Eighth grade. Mrs. Filsinger’s algebra II class. I think it was the first class of the day. We were taking a test. Mrs. Filsinger received a phone call. It was a wrong number; someone was trying to reach some other teacher, but they told Mrs. Filsinger what was going on. Immediately, she turned on the TV, which was right above my head, and called her daughter in Maryland. In my small mind, I was bugged that my teacher had turned on what seemed to be a movie when I was trying to finish my test. My classmates had turned their attention to the events unfolding. I just wanted a good grade.

I don’t know when it clicked that this was a big deal. (Things like this just don’t happen to me, remember?) I didn’t know what the Twin Towers were. I had never been to NYC, at least not that I remembered. I didn’t understand it. But it eventually clicked. It may have been when the plane hit the Pentagon; that was D.C. I knew D.C. very well. It may have been when I went home and watched to footage of the jumpers from the towers. I was home alone and felt scared; terrified of the future.

I’ve seen the gaping hole in the Pentagon. I’ve walked the hallowed ground in NYC where thousands of people died on that fall day. I’ve walked among the millions of wishes, notes, gifts and sadness left by people of all backgrounds for those who sacrificed. They didn’t ask to die for their country. They didn’t ask to be made exemplars. They wanted to live their lives. They wanted to love their families. They just wanted to BE.

But even ten years later, I don’t understand. I don’t understand why killing makes peace. Why hatred brings people to strap bombs to themselves and kill not only them, but also hundreds of other innocent strangers. I don’t understand why families have to endure the worry of knowing their son or daughter or husband or wife or brother or sister is in danger, half a world away, and the pain of holding that folded flag.

I do know that I am grateful. I am grateful for those recognize and appreciate the importance and sacred value of our country and freedom. I am grateful for those who have enough courage to protect that freedom for people they will never meet, in a countries across the world. It is the most Christ-like service: to give of yourself for people who cannot do it themselves. Christ protected us from sin and its consequences; our military men protect us from terrorism and destruction.

I’m not a terribly emotional person, but since September 11, 2001, I am that person who gets choked up singing or hearing the nation anthem. Seeing others show respect to all who made America possible brings me to tears. At college, my favorite part of the day was when the national anthem played throughout campus while the flag was taken down. I loved seeing the response it brought. It was disappointing to see those who didn’t respect this special time. Even if they were foreigners, this song was for them. They just didn’t understand. They didn’t understand how this single song represents hundreds of years of struggle, heartache, death and pure inspiration to bring about this nation.

The patriotism that America experienced following the attacks was overwhelming. Most homes in my home town displayed an American flag. People grouped together in the fight to protect America. But where is it now? It’s been smothered by technology, sports, debt and materialism. It’s been smothered by a hatred for a president and by 10 years of war and the sorrows and bitterness it brings. But we are a blessed country. We have so much compared to others in the world. We have so much to be grateful for and to.

I believe in America and its people. I believe that we are a great nation. However, I also believe that we are a great nation in trouble. We have forgotten our roots. We have forgotten why America is great. We are not grateful enough. Our nation was built on the principles of freedom and justice “to form a more perfect union.” I’ve seen that original document and believe in it and those who were inspired to write it.

We have potential. We have greatness. We must rise to the ever-present occasion. I hope we all remember that and know that even in one of the darkest times of our nation’s history, we were able to come together, grow and move forward. Let’s keep moving forward and only look back to remember and learn. America will only be great if its people are great.

Be great and remember how you’re here.

Taking Chances

2011-09-10T09:19:00.007-06:00

Hey, Caution!

So, I threw you to the wind a couple of days ago. I really hope that you do not come back and slap me in the face. That would not be cool.

And you and my brain should have a long talk. It's overthinking everything. The two of you should get on same wavelength as my heart. Because I'm going to try and start listening to that more.

*cue Celine Dion music*

Adulting.

2011-08-28T21:17:00.006-06:00

Hold. the. phone.

Who said that could happen? Not me. I'm not an adult. I'm still 18, right?

Sadly, I think I am adulting. I'm inching my way into my mid-twenties. I realized this on my birthday. I'm twenty-old. Seriously.

Okay, so it's not so dramatic as I'm making it out to be. My nieces and nephews are probably the only people who consider me old. But I've never felt so old as I have this week.

I've gone to bed before midnight three times in one week. And I'm still tired.

So it's not a big deal. It's actually just the responsible thing to do. But isn't being an adult about being responsible? Well, here are the adult things I've done this week:

1. Went to bed before midnight (one was at 10:30 pm).
2. Got my sister settled in to her dorm and talked about college in the past tense ("When I took American Heritage..." or "They didn't have that when I was here.")
3. Almost stopped at the Alumni booth just to say I had. But I really just wanted the brownie, so this doesn't really count.
4. Woke up at 6:15 am on a Saturday (granted, I had gone to bed at 1:30 am, so that wasn't very responsible of me, especially since I was grumpy the whole day)
5. Almost went into a museum, by myself, because I wanted to.
6. Went into a clothing store that had an extra 50% off EVERYTHING and didn't buy anything--even though I really wanted to. However, if my bank transfer was complete, I'd be all over that.
7. Played chauffeur to two different people in one day. Actually, this is just mom-ish. But I did volunteer to do it, so it's kind of different. Plus, I don't have a mom car.
8. Showed up 5 minutes early to church, which hasn't happened since they moved us to a building 10 minutes away.

I really wanted to make this list an even 10, but I ran out of things. And the whole time I was typing this, I had Miss Temple in my head. Whew, it's a good thing I missed that whole 21 thing though.

Home is wherever I'm with you.

2011-08-20T10:38:00.004-06:00

I don’t go for cutsy stuff very much. I mean, no pictures of cats or dogs. Babies should ALWAYS be clothed during a photo shoot. (Home pictures are a different story.) I don’t even like to use the word “cute.” Everything from babies to boys to buttons is described as being “cute.” Let’s be a little creative here. And I don’t care if you think your kid is the most adorable thing or so unbelievably talented; chances are they really aren’t. (But it’s good that you think so, because you have to live with them for the next 50 years or so.)

But every once in awhile there will come a good video with kids that defies the odds. I’m thinking of classics like this one. And this one is just ridiculously amusing. And if you haven’t seen this hilarious video series, where have you been living for the past five months? (And for the record, I hate the “Charlie bit my finger” video. It’s dumb.)

But this video is probably one of the most adorable things to hit YouTube. I love it and the song. Even though it’s a love song, it works very well as a father-daughter song. Watch it and you’ll see.

To the Phlebotomist

2011-08-12T00:50:00.003-06:00

(AKA guy who took my blood today),

You were really nice. And actually pretty good looking. And when you asked that fatal question, you had no chance.

You asked what people normally ask when they find out I’m a transplant: “How do you like Utah?”

I tried to warn you.

“Are you sure you really want to know?”

You were polite and smiled and said, “It’s okay. I’m not a local.”

Well, that was your mistake. Actually, it was my mistake to not just nip the initial question in the bud and say, “Oh, it’s fine,” just like everyone does.

Instead, I gave you an earful that probably more than you ever wanted to know. And with each word that came out, I could feel the chances of you asking for my number ~~dwindling~~ taking a sudden swan dive into the Pit of Despair.

You graciously listened to all my mumblings and ramblings. You, as a Californian, knew how Utah culture was different. You even said that you felt the same way before you moved closer to campus. What a kind soul you are to let a girl talk your ear off like that.

I just wanted to say that I’m really not that negative. You just caught when right after a tough day at work…okay, so maybe that’s not entirely true, but I was really tired and you had just stuck an uncomfortable needle into my arm. I really don’t remember everything I said; I just rambled on about nothing. Even your questions about my book, The Princess Bride, caught me off guard, and I muddled through the answers.

I’m really a fun person. Really. I know, like, five people who think I'm hilarious. Just don’t ask me about my work, my living situation, my social life or anything of the like; those answers aren’t positive ones. But I need to learn to not be so honest so I don’t chase off nice people like you.

So, here’s to you, guy who could have made me the subject of one awesome 80s song. I’m pledging to be more positive in my conversations. And then maybe next time you take my blood, it will be a more pleasant experience for the both of us.

Don't Make Me Divorce You

2011-03-22T23:43:00.006-06:00

Dear unknown significant other of the distant yet eternal variety,

If you don't call me "wifey," I won't call you "hubby." Because "hubby" doesn't even make sense. It should really be "husby," but that just sounds worse.

"Babe" is also grounds for divorce.

Deal? Deal.

Cordially,

ME

*This post was not ripped from you, my friend. Though it may appear to be. :)
**I often think of rants in terms of "Dear ...."
***Shut up. I know I'm weird.

I survived.

2011-02-05T19:43:00.006-07:00

I survived my first snowshoeing adventure.

I know you were all really worried. 'Cause I told you all of course. And you fear for my safety as anyone should.

I live in the most winter sport friendly area of the country, and I haven't so much as gone sledding in all these years. Mostly, I just admire the snow when it's falling and curse it when I had to walk or drive in it.

But now I have seen the error of my ways. Naturally.

But just as an FYI, it is best to keep to the trails. Not doing so and continuing to climb the mountain will leave your non-snow friendly pants (i.e. jeans) very wet. And if the snow underneath your foot gives way, it's best to just go with it, even if it means [gracefully] falling face first into the snow...in front of the whole group. AND if you can't get up, just kind of roll around until you're in a position to do so...again, in front of the whole group. Just FYI.

[Here I am during my survival trip. It was a bit chilly. And I dyed my hair for the occasion.]

In the words of Olivia Newton John...

2011-01-24T23:18:00.004-07:00

And Sue Sylvester: "Let's get physical!"

Okay, so not physical that way. Unless you're thinking the eat healthy, exercise, and lose weight physical. Then that's exactly what I mean.

At the start of this year, I was zealous in my efforts to lose weight. My first shopping trip of the new year was filled with ingredients for a ton of healthy meals. I'm talking about sweet potatoes, oranges, apples, whole wheat bread, and beans. I found several sites to give me the motivation and help I needed. I determined that I would exercise (a little) more and eat about 1200 calories a day to help me out.

Well, that went okay for about a week. Minus that night I splurged on onion rings (frozen ones are gross, by the way). And I even went running. Once. And I may have walked most of that. And sat on a playground swing for awhile. But I logged my food faithfully for that week.

And then I lost steam last week. I still made my meals since I had all the ingredients. But I made those onion rings again (which were still gross). And had about 10 glasses of chocolate milk. BUT I only ate one piece of candy!

So, in order to motivate myself, I have told myself this:

If I exercise every day this week, I can watch season 5 of Lost.

Yep. I will allow myself to subscribe to darn Hulu Plus so that I can find out what happens to the Oceanic 6.

Much better than rewarding myself with some fattening fast food. Monday already has a check mark. We'll see how long I last.

Getting into the spirit of things

2010-12-20T00:14:00.006-07:00

I’m really picky about my holiday music. For the most part, my holiday music collection consists of CDs my parents own: Harry Connick Jr., Bob Rivers, Natalie Cole, Home Alone Christmas, and some various artist mixes. Oh, and let’s not forget my mother’s favorite: Christmas Portrait from The Carpenters (it doesn’t begin to feel like Christmas until I play the CD through at least once). However, I did recently discover Sarah McLachlan’s Wintersong album and absolutely love it. Seriously.

I don’t know why I’m so picky, but I am. But this post isn’t about least favorites—that would be negative of me and not reflective of the season at all. So that’s why I’m listing my favorites from the holiday season.

Mary’s Top 5 Holiday Songs

5. What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?

4. Christmas Time is Here

3. Carol of the Bells

2. Merry Christmas Darling

1. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Honorable Mentions: Happy Xmas (War is Over), Ave Maria, O Holy Night, Cool Yule, What Child is This?, Sweet Little Jesus Boy, and Who Would Imagine a King. (Okay, so maybe I'll not picky--just unusual in my choices.)

Mary’s Top 5 Holiday Movies

**Numbers 4 and 5 were actually tough to come up with. I have my staple movies and I’m lucky if I see them once a year. So I dug deep and searched for some movies I enjoy and that were a part of my childhood. No, they aren’t classics. (It’s a Wonderful Life isn’t on here because I grew up thinking it was the longest movie ever—I’ll have to give it another go.) However, movies you watched as a child always hold a special place in your heart. So don’t judge me and I won’t judge you on your love for those terrible claymation movies they made me watch in school.

5. Home Alone 2 – That’s right. Number 2. Thanks to my grandparents’ annual Christmas (large) box, we were gifted with a Macaulay Culkin classic. I’ve probably seen the first film two or three times, whereas I watched Home Alone 2 faithfully every Christmas. And it includes this great scene.

4. Miracle on 34^th Street (1994) – I’ve never actually seen the 1947 original film. I heard it’s very good. But my family owned this movie, and my sister and I watched it at least twice each December. It’s a great, feel-good movie that asks you one question: “Do you believe?”

3. Meet Me in St. Louis – It’s not technically a Christmas movie since it covers all seasons. However, I consider it so because of the classic scene with Judy Garland singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” This is one of my favorite musicals and why the aforementioned song is my number one Christmas song. When you put the song in context, you realize what it’s really about. It’s sung to a little girl who really doesn’t move away from her childhood home—a situation I know oh so well. It's one of the few songs/scenes pretty much guaranteed to make me cry.

2. A Christmas Story – This should be on everyone’s list. How can you not feel for Ralphie and his plight? (“C+!”) Plus, my nephew is Ralphie. I tried to be like Aunt Clara, but they were sold out…and expensive.

1. A Muppet Christmas Carol – If you’re questioning this choice, go watch it again. Just for Sam the Eagle. “It is the American way!...It is the British way!” Love it. Family staple.

I hope you all get into the spirit of the season, and treasure your favorites as well as the people near and dear to you. After all, "Wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas!"

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

2010-12-12T22:29:00.005-07:00

Did you know that nostalgia was once considered an illness? If so, then consider me deathly ill.

The summer of 2009 was quite possibly the best summer of my life. The only other contender is the summer of 2008—but that’s another story...that you may never hear here.

Those four months were a rough period in my life. I was going through a couple different struggles. And I cut ties with two very, very close friends. I was struggling internally with many emotions and frustrations that I didn’t know how to handle and am still feeling the effects of.

However, it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized that though I was going through these trials, I was so completely blessed. I thought God had stopped blessing me because of my actions and thoughts, but I now understand that He was doing the opposite (as He usually does). He sent me a wonderful support system to help me through that time. The friends I made that summer often distracted me from the things I was dealing with and made it easier to make it through the summer. Though I had severed ties with two friends, I had gained friendships and memories with half a dozen more. It took me over a year to get that—to see that God was blessing me in my time of need with people who I consider the best friends I’ve ever made in college.

I would repeat that summer in a heartbeat in spite of the hardships I went through. Though most of those friends have moved on (and it pains me to see them do so), I keep the memories near and dear to my heart. And they all hold a special place there too.

News as of late...

2010-11-22T23:50:00.003-07:00

Harry Potter! That was the highlight of the last 3 months. I'm still processing the fact that I've seen it after waiting 1.5 years. I'll wait to post my thoughts until I've seen it again. Yes, I'm going to see it again. My little sister wants to see it with me this weekend. *collective 'aww'* Of course that could just mean that all her friends have already seen it, and they don't want to go again. But I like to think that she loves me that much.

In case I forget, highlights of the HP night:

Spilling water all over our slab of sidewalk, resulting in us standing the rest of the time. (The cement was cold anyway, right?)
My dear friend makes a really bad "I'm ready to make-out face."
Me: "Where did you learn that!?!?"
Friend: "*Ex-girlfriend's name*"
Me: "Was she bad at everything?!?"
Friend: "No. She was good at physical science."
...
Waiting in line for 4+ hours to just get inside. My awesome friend waited 5+ hours 'cause she's just that awesome...and hardcore about her first midnight showing. And that includes the 1.5 hours spent waiting in the wrong line. But I totally forgave her for that already. We still got awesome seats.
Seeing my friend's reaction to a scary part. Seriously, it was the best thing ever. A jump back in his seat, petrified look on his face, and hands flailing. I don't even care that I missed the end of the scene; it was worth it.

And now for something completely different: I have a billboard! On I-15! Quite a few actually, though I don't know where they're all located. But one is about 2 minutes from my house. It's not really my best work; I just do what the customers want. And they wanted a silver billboard. Advertising their holiday parties. Lame. But awesome for me.

So, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. I know I will. TSA screenings and all. And if you get bored, watch this week's Glee episode. It features one of my favorite comedians ever.

Did I mention I'm ready?

2010-11-06T01:13:00.005-06:00

Today was a good day.

I don't know why. I don't know how. We were slammed at work--non-stop work. It was stressful...but not at the same time. I was busy and turning out work that my supervisor and boss liked. Really liked. So that's why.

But there was something else. Is it because I woke up with "The Wizard and I" AND "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" both stuck in my head? Maybe. Is it because when I got on the freeway, right by my apartment is a billboard for "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader"? (Seriously, it's just this huge picture of Aslan's face. It's awesome.) Quite possibly. Is it because this video came up on my Facebook feed? Oh, I know that played a big part (minus the awful auto-tuning). Is it because that today I realized it is November and in 2.5 weeks, I will see my family? Yes. Yes, I think that's the main reason.

I haven't seen 11 of my 17 family members in nearly a year. I haven't spent Thanksgiving with them in 5 years. So, really, I'm excited. And I'm excited to get out of here. Not by choice, my summer was spent working full-time, with no vacations. I'm ready. I don't know what I'm doing for Christmas, but I'm ready for Thanksgiving. So ready. Bring on the madness.

How did I get here?

2010-10-14T23:40:00.005-06:00

The past few days, I’ve been asking myself that question: “How did I get here?” More specifically, how did I get to this point in my life. I don’t remember growing up. When did college end? When did I get an adult job, making stuff for huge companies? I’m a career woman. Whoa. Who trusted me with that responsibility? And my car—I drive a car. My own car. I paid for it. I’m in charge of keeping it in working condition (speaking of which, it’s way overdue for its check-up).

And Utah. Why am I still here? Not my first choice. Or my tenth…or twentieth. How did I wind up here, living on my own (-ish—I still have roommates) and taking care of myself. Sometimes I'll just walk out of work and think, "This isn't my life. It's all a dream." (Thank you, Leo!)

This week I really miss being a college student. No, I don’t miss the homework or the tests. I miss the people. I miss having my friends surround me and live nearby. I miss staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning just because (or because of some homework). I wake up at 8am every morning. Ugh. I know it could be worse, but really I miss having flexibility in my life. Now my life is structured by work. I can’t spend 10 days at home for Christmas break because I have to come back and work. I will miss New Year’s with my family. I will be lucky to spend 5 days with them. I can’t just pick up and take a roadtrip. Vacation days are carefully planned and allotted, especially when you work in a very small office.

I haven’t grown up yet. I’m still growing. But I’m being pushed into a grown-up world—one that feels even more restrictive than the college world. I used to envy those who just worked all day and didn’t worry about school. Now, I envy those darn, crazy college kids with all their friends and freedom and fun. I hope I don’t have to work my entire life. And if I do, I will be so powerful and high up that I can do whatever I want. I can travel and take time off of my own choosing. Or maybe I’ll just freelance. That’s looking mighty appealing…

Sorry, dear two readers, for such a downer post. Next time, I’ll look for a more light-hearted topic to brighten the mood.

"Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?”

2010-09-21T22:04:00.005-06:00

Do you ever have those dreams that, when you wake up, seem like they really happened? Well, it doesn't happen to me very often, but it did on Sunday.

I took a nice, long nap--scratch that. I slept. For three hours. I had what I call a nightmare because it seemed so real that it freaked me out. The essence of the dream was that my roommate told me a girl killed herself in our apartment. Even now that I'm typing this, it freaks me out a bit.

One thing that I like to do with dreams--when I remember them--is trace back the possible origins of the dream. I once read that dreams are the brain's way of sorting out all the things you're storing in there, particularly the new ideas. So, I traced back my dream in an effort to convince myself that it was just a dream (since I was very tempted to ask my roommate if someone had died in our apartment). Here's what I figured out:

- Friday afternoon was spent researching commercial haunted houses and Halloween events within Utah. One place in particular was an actual haunted mill near Salt Lake. I read (very) briefly on a few people's experiences there.

- I now live in an apartment complex with people in various stages of life--single, married, young, old, etc. I hear my neighbors upstairs fighting and get this "Rear Window," L.B Jeffries syndrome.

- Lame point, but half the doors in the apartment squeak when you open or close them. The bathroom door is especially annoying/creepy because it does this loud, slow creak as it slowly closes--just like in all those horror movies right before the stupid blonde gets attacked because she ran upstairs instead of out the front door. During my "nap," I was actually woken up by said door. A very possible reason for my dream subject.

So, the rest of the Sunday, I was a little creeped out by my apartment. I still am and not just at home. I freaked myself out when I was alone at work this morning and closing up tonight (both in full daylight still). It's not as bad as it was on Sunday though. Perhaps I'm just getting myself prepared for the upcoming Halloween season. For which I need a killer* costume. Ideas?

*"Killer" meaning "really good" in this instance. I don't want my dream come true. I really like my apartment and don't want to move.

Our deepest secret

2010-09-12T13:25:00.004-06:00

I think secretly, deep down, we all want to be part of a relationship like this--to be loved like this.

Because I know I do.

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

Let's give this another go, shall we?

2010-09-06T00:56:00.003-06:00

So, I thought that I’d give the whole blog thing another go. I’m done with school and have very little going on in my life, so what better way to spend it than talking about myself?

Well, the truth is, I’ve never really blogged because the whole design/template aspect of blogger confuses me like none other. I want to have complete control over my pictures, colors, and placement. I’m suppose to be computer literate—I took a programming class for goodness sake. How do all these people develop beautiful blogs? It frustrates me to no end.

Thankfully, blogger has given a bit more freedom in blog design, which has led me to rethink this medium of communication. And I’ve followed more successful blogs more closely, so I think I have a better understanding of what makes a good blog.

So, here I go. We’ll see how long I last.