Next Time, I'll Put a Ring on It

Not too long ago, I went to a movie by myself. I’ve wanted to do it for a while, but for some reason, attending a movie seemed less like an independent thing to do and more like a loser thing to do. I mean, I see those middle-aged men who are sitting alone with their jumbo popcorn and drink in the theater. (And why are there never women sitting alone?) Plus, I live in an area that is highly populated with college kids, some of which I still know. College kids who are usually around my age and go to movies with not one or two friends, but a whole group. Do you understand the social risk that is associated with going to the movie theater alone?

But after not finding anyone nerdy/stupid enough to pay to see the worst movie ever made, I decided that it was my chance to embrace my lonerism and venture into a world that few people dare to go.

The theater was rather full, so I chose a seat in the back row, on the end. There was a guy, who was easily in his 30s, sitting a seat away, also alone. (I later found out that he had chosen not to sit with the people he came with.) I didn’t pursue a conversation with him when he tried to start one because I just wanted to watch the movie and be otherwise invisible.

Somehow, between the beginning of the movie and its end, that seat between us disappeared (no, he wasn't hitting on me; we got an extra person in the row). And then I inadvertently told him that I was married.

I admit that I have always fantasized about faking being engaged/married in order to avoid any unwanted advances—which would be just about any advances—but those fantasies usually involved a fake ring and walking around BYU campus.

However, at the end of the movie, he turned to me as I was packing up and tried to make small talk.

Guy: Hi, I’m Brandon.* What’s your name?

Me: Hi, I’m Mary.  *standing to leave*

Guy: Are you Mary?

Me: Yes. (Wait, didn't I just say that?)

Guy: Oh, that’s really nice.

At least that’s what I thought he asked. But as I walked away, it dawned on me. He wasn’t confirming my name. He was confirming my relationship status.

He was confirming it in the boldest, most direct way possible: “Are you married?”

Sorry, man, I’m really not married. But I’m also really not interested. I’m sorry I lied to you.

However, I think it’s hilarious that I did.

*This is definitely not his real name. I forget his name. I forgot it two seconds after he told me. That’s how uninterested I was.

I Did Not Major in Spirit Fingers

Once upon a time, I worked as a cashier in a grocery store. This grocery store was located in a part of the country known for its hospitality and somewhat fake niceties and the store reflected this. This meant I had to talk to people and act nice. Definitely not me.

For the most part, I enjoyed working at the store. I hated my uniform, which they have recently changed to something more attractive than the blue elastic-banded mom pants, white-collared shirt, and teal vest I had to wear. But I actually liked the variety of people we had come in.

I once carded an NFL player who didn't have his ID. I had no idea who he was, but my store manager came up front to vouch for him. My employees had a good laugh about that for a week.

Another time a lady complained about the girl in the aisle who misinformed her about a special. She, however, did not realize that the cashier girl was the same girl.

But then there was this lady. She and her guy were probably mid- to late-twenties. Somehow we got on the subject of what my college plans were. The conversation went a bit like this:

Lady: "Where are you going to school?"
Me: "Brigham Young University."
Lady: "They have a school named that?"
Me: "Yeah, it's in Utah."
Lady: "Huh. I thought that was just the name of that movie." Walks away.

Just to clarify, I did not attend Bring It On University.

Oh the Irony

Consider the following situation:

A person refuses to remove anyone from their Facebook friends list because it will send the message that the deletee means nothing to the deleter—that they have no value.

That same person ignores multiple messages and phone calls from another person. No contact. Nothing.

...

Does anyone else see the irony?

However, no matter how much I think about it, no matter how much I know I should do it, I just can’t bring myself to do anything about it.

Source

An American in London

I have a new life plan.

Yes, it’s true. Two years after graduation and I think I have finally figured out my life.

The details are a little hazy—okay, really hazy—but it’s going to be awesome.

Ready?

I'm moving to England.

I’m moving to England and getting my masters.

It’s a done deal. And by done deal, I mean I thought of it (with help from my co-workers) last Thursday and it sounded perfect.

Do I know when? Where? How? Or even what I’ll get a masters in? No. Those are minor details. But it’s gonna happen; don’t even doubt it.

There’s more to the plan, but that’s for a select few to know.

I'll take afternoon tea here once a month.

I'll traipse about the country of my ancestors...which is pretty much all of England...and Ireland...and Scotland.

 

Everyone will visit me and we'll go see this.

Okay, fine. I’ll tell you the rest of my plan. But I swear I’m not as silly (or girlie) as this sounds. If you do laugh, please don't do it in front of me. I just may cry if you do. Or punch you in the face. Or both.

I’m moving to England and getting my masters and marrying an English guy* who:
  • will have an awesome accent (my PA accent will totally seal the deal for him);
  • will think I'm hilarious because he gets my dry humor (and I'll think he's hysterical);
  • will iron my shirts (I’ll take out the trash);
  • will give me red-headed little girls (but he'll have brown hair, so this might get tricky);
  • and will have the last name “Haven” (so I can name my our son C.K. Dexter Haven).

Oh, and he’ll have good teeth. (I know he's out there!)

Now if only I can figure out how to fund living in England while earning a masters. But my eternal salvation is worth any amount of debt…right? Pretty sure I heard that from a GA.


*I would also settle for any of the following: Christian Bale, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or Milo Ventimiglia.