Thursday, November 8, 2012

Move On

I had a dream the other night.

In this dream, I got what I wanted.

But when I got it, I realized that I didn’t want it anymore.

In fact, I was disgusted by what I thought I wanted.
It broke my heart.

And it breaks my heart.

Because this thing that I wanted was real. I’ve held on to this hope that in some universe it will work out. That it will happen. That it should happen.

But this dream was a poignant look at what my wants should be. And how little I know and trust myself.

You see, my issue is that I’m afraid to make mistakes.

I’m afraid to make mistakes and have to live with the consequences. This is why I stick to what I know—to what I’m sure of. I hate making decisions because I’m afraid of choosing the wrong thing. I don’t often go with my gut feeling—I leave my heart and feelings out of it. I go with what makes sense. Reason. Logic. So that makes me research the topic to death before coming to a conclusion. I want to see all my options before moving forward.

But I’ve been coming to realize that you can’t leave your heart out of it. Your gut feeling is the best deciding factor. It’s a winning combination to have your gut and your head agree.

For this thing that I want(ed), my heart says yes. But my head—that voice of reason—only says yes halfway…and only on some days. I knew it then, but I suppressed any doubt, telling myself that I was just afraid. But either way, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to lose, or I’m afraid to move forward.

So, here I am with desire to move forward and yet a desire to go back, which sounds a lot worse when I type it out.

But I know I have to move forward, to move on.