Thursday, November 8, 2012

Move On

I had a dream the other night.

In this dream, I got what I wanted.

But when I got it, I realized that I didn’t want it anymore.

In fact, I was disgusted by what I thought I wanted.
It broke my heart.

And it breaks my heart.

Because this thing that I wanted was real. I’ve held on to this hope that in some universe it will work out. That it will happen. That it should happen.

But this dream was a poignant look at what my wants should be. And how little I know and trust myself.

You see, my issue is that I’m afraid to make mistakes.

I’m afraid to make mistakes and have to live with the consequences. This is why I stick to what I know—to what I’m sure of. I hate making decisions because I’m afraid of choosing the wrong thing. I don’t often go with my gut feeling—I leave my heart and feelings out of it. I go with what makes sense. Reason. Logic. So that makes me research the topic to death before coming to a conclusion. I want to see all my options before moving forward.

But I’ve been coming to realize that you can’t leave your heart out of it. Your gut feeling is the best deciding factor. It’s a winning combination to have your gut and your head agree.

For this thing that I want(ed), my heart says yes. But my head—that voice of reason—only says yes halfway…and only on some days. I knew it then, but I suppressed any doubt, telling myself that I was just afraid. But either way, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to lose, or I’m afraid to move forward.

So, here I am with desire to move forward and yet a desire to go back, which sounds a lot worse when I type it out.

But I know I have to move forward, to move on.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

My Superhero Niece

Most people love babies. Me? Not so much. I like kids when they’re older, more like three or four. Why? Because that’s when it’s fun. That’s when I can be more myself—my teasing and sarcastic self.

Some people might say that that’s mean, but I view it as treating the kid more like an adult. I treat them how I do most other people. My sisters probably don’t appreciate me teaching their children teasing and sarcasm at such a young age, but they’re going to learn sooner or later. And I’d rather them learn it from me. I’m pretty dang good at it.

I recently experienced a pure joy in teasing children. I’ve been an aunt for 13 years but only just experienced this situation (that I can remember). And I loved it.

I was talking to my niece, who was nearly seven at the time, about going to an amusement park. She explained to me that my family decided not to go to the park because it was raining.

Me: “Why didn’t you just make it stop?”
Niece: “Well, I lost my power.”
Me: “Your power? Your power to stop the rain?”
Niece: “Yeah, I lost it.”
Me: “Well, you’d better find it quick!”
Niece: “I did. I got it back.”
Me: “Oh, good. So, you’re not going to let it rain tomorrow?”
Niece: “Yeah. It rained a little today. I let it rain a little today, but it won’t rain tomorrow.”

Apparently my niece is Storm. Awesome.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Just Send a Genie My Way

If I happened to come across a genie, who granted me three wishes, I think I’ve figured out what I’d wish for.

1) To be able to eat anything and never get fat.
2) To be able to teleport.
3) To be able to sing like Diana Krall.

Yep. No money. No fame. No wishes for more wishes…because Genie and Aladdin taught me that that doesn’t work.

I think the first two are pretty self explanatory. The third one is one I just recently decided on. It’s probably an unusual choice, but if you heard her voice, I think you’d understand.

Now there are many great singers out there. You have your powerhouses like Whitney, Celine, Adele, Aretha, Mariah, and Beyonce. Then you have your pop stars: Katy, Kelly, Sara, and even Karmin. And then the more classical and vocal standards like Barbara, Bette, Lea, and Judy.

However, I think I’ll pass.

While, they’re all great and I love their music, I think I’d pick Diana Krall’s voice over any of them. It’s just something about that low, jazzy, sultry sound that makes me want it. To flaunt it. And never stop singing.

Monday, September 24, 2012

We Shall Overcome (the Awkwardness of Childhood)

I’ve received a lot of compliments in my lifetime. I’m not bragging; I’m just stating a truth. We all receive a lot of compliments as we go through life.

But have you ever received a compliment that is just…out of the norm? Not something you, or anyone else, are typically complimented on.

You know, something like:

“You have really nice eyebrows. They’re like a model’s.”

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

The first time I received this compliment, I was about 16. It was at a Mary Kay party that was filled with middle-aged women from my church. I think I was the only one there under the age of 40. The host told everyone that I had perfect, model eyebrows. Everyone turned and nodded in agreement. I thought it was just because I still had my youth.

Shortly after that, one of my close friends complimented me on them. We were talking during lunch, and she stops mid-conversation and says, “I really like your eyebrows, by the way.”

Since then I’ve had even more friends mention the modelness of my eyebrows. And it's still just as awkward as the first time.

I was reminded of the awkwardness of this compliment a few weeks ago when my dermatologist and her assistant both said I had eyebrows like a model. But it wasn’t just a quick, “You have nice eyebrows.” It was a minute-long discussion about my eyebrows. And I’m just sitting there, not knowing what to say while they look at and talk about me.

I still don't quite understand the fascination with my eyebrows. However, what I do know is that my eyebrows didn’t use to look good. In fact, they were horrible. Like, I want to destroy every picture of my sixth and seventh grade self. Yes, they were that bad.

Let me explain. 

As I approached my teenager years, I became more aware of those hairs that were making me look like Frida. ("If Brooke Shields married Groucho Marx, their child would have your eyebrows!") My three older sisters no longer lived at home, so I looked to my mother for inspiration.

Well, my mother has always had…interesting eyebrows. I know that now. I’m sure they fit in just fine in the 70s, but now they just look like an upside down Nike swoosh. My 13-year-old self didn’t think to ask for help in shaping her eyebrows or consulting her sisters; I was too independent for that. So my mother’s eyebrows it was.

May you never see a picture of me in sixth or seventh grade.

I was the epitome of an awkward middle schooler: long straggly hair, braces, and bad eyebrows.

Luckily, my sisters intervened and made me grow them out. And then my sister shaped them wrong. So I had to grow them out again and let my other sister do them.

But now I have eyebrows on par with Christie Brinkley, Tyra Banks, and Heidi Klum!

Moral of the story: You can overcome anything! Including bad eyebrows! Also, everyone’s awkward in middle school. It’s a rite of passage.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Next Time, I'll Put a Ring on It

Not too long ago, I went to a movie by myself. I’ve wanted to do it for a while, but for some reason, attending a movie seemed less like an independent thing to do and more like a loser thing to do. I mean, I see those middle-aged men who are sitting alone with their jumbo popcorn and drink in the theater. (And why are there never women sitting alone?) Plus, I live in an area that is highly populated with college kids, some of which I still know. College kids who are usually around my age and go to movies with not one or two friends, but a whole group. Do you understand the social risk that is associated with going to the movie theater alone?

But after not finding anyone nerdy/stupid enough to pay to see the worst movie ever made, I decided that it was my chance to embrace my lonerism and venture into a world that few people dare to go.

The theater was rather full, so I chose a seat in the back row, on the end. There was a guy, who was easily in his 30s, sitting a seat away, also alone. (I later found out that he had chosen not to sit with the people he came with.) I didn’t pursue a conversation with him when he tried to start one because I just wanted to watch the movie and be otherwise invisible.

Somehow, between the beginning of the movie and its end, that seat between us disappeared (no, he wasn't hitting on me; we got an extra person in the row). And then I inadvertently told him that I was married.

I admit that I have always fantasized about faking being engaged/married in order to avoid any unwanted advances—which would be just about any advances—but those fantasies usually involved a fake ring and walking around BYU campus.

However, at the end of the movie, he turned to me as I was packing up and tried to make small talk.

Guy: Hi, I’m Brandon.* What’s your name?

Me: Hi, I’m Mary.  *standing to leave*

Guy: Are you Mary?

Me: Yes. (Wait, didn't I just say that?)

Guy: Oh, that’s really nice.

At least that’s what I thought he asked. But as I walked away, it dawned on me. He wasn’t confirming my name. He was confirming my relationship status.

He was confirming it in the boldest, most direct way possible: “Are you married?”

Sorry, man, I’m really not married. But I’m also really not interested. I’m sorry I lied to you.

However, I think it’s hilarious that I did.

*This is definitely not his real name. I forget his name. I forgot it two seconds after he told me. That’s how uninterested I was.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I Did Not Major in Spirit Fingers

Once upon a time, I worked as a cashier in a grocery store. This grocery store was located in a part of the country known for its hospitality and somewhat fake niceties and the store reflected this. This meant I had to talk to people and act nice. Definitely not me.

For the most part, I enjoyed working at the store. I hated my uniform, which they have recently changed to something more attractive than the blue elastic-banded mom pants, white-collared shirt, and teal vest I had to wear. But I actually liked the variety of people we had come in.

I once carded an NFL player who didn't have his ID. I had no idea who he was, but my store manager came up front to vouch for him. My employees had a good laugh about that for a week.

Another time a lady complained about the girl in the aisle who misinformed her about a special. She, however, did not realize that the cashier girl was the same girl.

But then there was this lady. She and her guy were probably mid- to late-twenties. Somehow we got on the subject of what my college plans were. The conversation went a bit like this:

Lady: "Where are you going to school?"
Me: "Brigham Young University."
Lady: "They have a school named that?"
Me: "Yeah, it's in Utah."
Lady: "Huh. I thought that was just the name of that movie." Walks away.

Just to clarify, I did not attend Bring It On University.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Oh the Irony

Consider the following situation:

A person refuses to remove anyone from their Facebook friends list because it will send the message that the deletee means nothing to the deleter—that they have no value.
That same person ignores multiple messages and phone calls from another person. No contact. Nothing.

Does anyone else see the irony?

However, no matter how much I think about it, no matter how much I know I should do it, I just can’t bring myself to do anything about it.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

An American in London

I have a new life plan.

Yes, it’s true. Two years after graduation and I think I have finally figured out my life.

The details are a little hazy—okay, really hazy—but it’s going to be awesome.


I'm moving to England.

I’m moving to England and getting my masters.

It’s a done deal. And by done deal, I mean I thought of it (with help from my co-workers) last Thursday and it sounded perfect.

Do I know when? Where? How? Or even what I’ll get a masters in? No. Those are minor details. But it’s gonna happen; don’t even doubt it.

There’s more to the plan, but that’s for a select few to know.

I'll take afternoon tea here once a month.
Before the Rain - Buckingham Palace

I'll traipse about the country of my ancestors...which is pretty much all of England...and Ireland...and Scotland.
Yorkshire Dales B&B, Scaife Hall Farm 

Everyone will visit me and we'll go see this.

Okay, fine. I’ll tell you the rest of my plan. But I swear I’m not as silly (or girlie) as this sounds. If you do laugh, please don't do it in front of me. I just may cry if you do. Or punch you in the face. Or both.

I’m moving to England and getting my masters and marrying an English guy* who:
  • will have an awesome accent (my PA accent will totally seal the deal for him);
  • will think I'm hilarious because he gets my dry humor (and I'll think he's hysterical);
  • will iron my shirts (I’ll take out the trash);
  • will give me red-headed little girls (but he'll have brown hair, so this might get tricky);
  • and will have the last name “Haven” (so I can name my our son C.K. Dexter Haven).

Oh, and he’ll have good teeth. (I know he's out there!)

Now if only I can figure out how to fund living in England while earning a masters. But my eternal salvation is worth any amount of debt…right? Pretty sure I heard that from a GA.

*I would also settle for any of the following: Christian Bale, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or Milo Ventimiglia.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

9 Reasons Guys Should Date Independent Girls

Last night I got asked out.

And by asked out, I mean my co-worker/co-worker’s friend set me up. And the guy called to formally ask me out.

In the six-minute conversation, said guy made a comment about me being pretty independent.


After we hung up, I was thinking that I probably should have better hidden that little tidbit until at least after the first date. Or second.

But this morning, I changed my mind. There is nothing wrong with a girl being independent. (Okay, fine. Yes, there are some issues, but I’m working on them. And to list all the problems would make this post even longer.) But, guys shouldn’t be afraid of independent girls. In fact, they should go after them. And here’s why:
  1. Independent girls know themselves. Independent girls know who they are. We are comfortable in our own skin. We have opinions. We probably value our education. This is what makes us independent. We don’t necessarily look to others for validation. This doesn’t mean that we don’t need validation or that we don’t have insecurities—everyone has those. However, an independent girl generally has figured out how to cope. This is the basis of many of the other points on the list, but it’s important.
  2. Independent girls don’t need to live by mom and dad. We may want to live by mom and dad, but a truly independent girl doesn’t need to. Some may even need to not live by family. We can live across the country or world. Chances are we already do.
  3. Independent girls can go shopping by themselves. Now, I know some guys don’t mind going shopping, but I think that’s mostly because they enjoy the company rather than the actual act of shopping. (But really, who likes to wait and wait outside a dressing room?) However, independent girls are capable of walking into a store and trying on things without someone else. We may enjoy having other people there for a second opinion, but it’s not necessary.
  4. Independent girls probably won’t send you to the store for tampons, pads, or the like. This is most likely because we’re convinced you’ll get the wrong thing anyway. Why? Because you’re a guy and don’t know the difference between light, heavy, wings, or no wings. We’ll save you a trip down that aisle. (See about 1:20-2:00 of this clip.)
  5. Independent girls can entertain themselves. Don’t want to see the latest chick flick? That’s fine. We can go by ourselves or get our friends to go with us. You want to hang out with the boys for the night? That’s fine too. We’d rather spend it with you, but we also need time to ourselves, so we won't mind if you spend some time with the guys/watch sports/play video games—no grudges.
  6. Independent girls have a plan. They generally know what they want out of life, a relationship, or what have you. With you in the picture, the plan might (and probably should) change, but we may hold onto the goals of writing a book or going to law school or moving out of state. Goals may be added that we didn’t seriously consider before—like marriage or not dating a schmuck again.
  7. Independent girls will find a way. Maybe this one just applies to me, but I think independent girls will try to fix the problem first. If the sink is acting up, we’ll probably search Google first for an answer before reaching for the phone book. Sure, we may turn the problem over to you, but we won’t mind taking a stab at it. (Yes, I see the issue of hurt feelings if we happen to fix the problem after you are not able to.)
  8. Independent girls can be happy in or out of a relationship. This is the key to being ready for a relationship anyway. If you cannot be happy by yourself, a relationship will never be able to fill that void. Independent girls have this down. However, sometimes people (both girls and guys) will take this attitude to mean that independent girls do not need a significant other. It’s true we don’t need one, but it’s more that we recognize that another person is not essential to our happiness. This does not mean that we don’t want to be in a relationship. Many of us still want to have someone to share our life with, but until that guy comes along, we’ll be just fine.
  9. Independent girls are in a relationship because they want to be. Going along with the last point, we generally don’t date because we need to be in a relationship. Like I said, we can be happy out of one. This means that when we are in a relationship, it’s because we want to be. In addition, if the relationship just isn’t working for us, we’ll end it.
Like I said, my independence is something I’m working on--not so much that I'm giving it up, but I'm trying to allow others to help me. (I enjoy helping others, so why not let someone else have the pleasure too?) In fact, I’m pretty sure my independence may have been a contributing factor in the demise of my previous two relationships…and all those first dates that didn’t turn into second dates. I remember that before we even dated, my first boyfriend practically had to force me to allow him to carry my bag after an overnight camping trip. He told me, “Stop being so independent. Let me help you.”
I think my main point is that indendepence is not necessarily a weakness—not for the girls who are independent or the guys who are pursuing the girls. It can be a good thing. Just don’t let it get the best of you.

So, to my fellow (independent) ladies/girls/women/guys/men/whathaveyous, what are your thoughts on independence? For or against? Pros and cons?
*For all you feminists or whatever out there who take offense to the fact that I say independent girls, I’d like to say that I’m not a stickler on this subject (even though I'm an editor and should be "PC"). I call men guys and woman girls. It’s a generational thing, I guess. I actually don’t really care to be called a woman (it makes me cringe a bit and think of The Incredibles when Frozone says, “Woman, where is my super suit?!” [However, I think that clip is hilarious.]). Maybe in 20 years I will want to be called a woman, but not when I’m 20-something.

** Yes, I recognize that I generalize. Like everything, take it with a grain of salt. Everyone is different, and independent girls are different in their independence.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Good water

Prior to this blog, I wrote (sporadically) on other blog of mine that I titled “Song of the Day.” While I love music, I wasn’t confident in my opinion, so I discontinued that blog and started this one a few years later.

I found a post I had saved from that blog about the song “Heart of the Matter” by Don Henley. It’s a fantastic song (best version is here). And during that period in my life, I lived by it. Don wrote the song after his divorce. It is all about forgiveness when you have been hurt deeply by someone you love. This is what the song meant to me at that time:

“This month has been kind of an emotional month for me. Not emotional in the sense that I’ve been crying a lot and being dramatic. I’ve had to let a friendship go. I’ve had to move on. I’ve lost the trust I placed in a person I would have trusted my life with. And it’s been difficult. But I am moving on. I came to a realization the other week that I don’t need that person in my life. I don’t want them in my life right now. I’ve learned what I’ve need to learn. They aren’t what I need now. Maybe sometime down the line, we can be friends again, but not now. Especially not now.

“I’m happy to come to this bittersweet conclusion after months of trying to figure it out. The following song is one that has carried me through these months that I’ve allowed myself to be put through….

“While my circumstances are not as extreme as a divorce, I definitely relate to this. Especially the chorus….The more I do learn, the less I do understand why. Why they took the actions that they did. Why now? Why not?

“It is all about forgiveness, which I’ve come to learn these past months. Up until this last month, I thought I had the forgiveness part covered. Slowly anger and resentment have crept into my attitude (ex. I woke up this morning with a line from a Carrie Underwood song in my head: “Took a Louisville slugger to both headlights” because I’ve been tempted…). I’ve been angry. I’ve been angry because my trust was destroyed along with a friendship. I mean, I don’t talk to this person at all anymore. I hate that. But I don’t want to talk to this person anymore because of their actions.

“The lesson in church on Sunday was on forgiveness. It’s what I needed. I need to forgive. Again. I need to let it go. Not worry about it. “A bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water.” Getting angry doesn’t do anything for me. It just holds me back from my full potential and from moving on. So I’m working on letting go. I know Heavenly Father can help me with that because He has before. I’m working on letting Him help me.” -June 17, 2009

It's incredibly eerie how similar my situation is to that of exactly three years ago. I remember that lesson in church and who taught it. I shared my current struggle with forgiveness as vaguely as I could. I ended up crying. But I'm so very grateful that I have that time to look back on and know that I'll be okay--that things will be okay and that I can do anything, even really hard stuff like cutting ties with a friend. Or forgiving. Or moving on.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

On Faith and Ambiguity

If I could pinpoint one class of my undergraduate career that had the biggest influence on my life, it wouldn’t be one that started with REL. It wouldn’t be the classes spent studying the scriptures or Christian history or even marriage and relationships. Rather, it would be one class—Media Law—that introduced me to a new take on life and how to approach everything and anything.

In early 2009, I took a required media law class, which proved to be a very difficult time for me (though it was also filled with a lot of growth). I honestly remember very little about the class. It was taught once a week for 2.5 hours by a practicing lawyer, Derek Brown. I do remember he was fun, hilarious, and showed some interesting examples when explaining creative license and law.

However, it was the last day of class that had the biggest effect on me. We were assigned to read a BYU speech by Bruce C. Hafen titled “Love is Blind: Some Thoughts for College Students on Faith and Ambiguity.” It’s a great talk that helped explain many of the things I was (and am still) struggling with. (Seriously, go read it. But only after you're done here.)

We discussed the speech in class, with Mr. Brown pointing out some correlations between law, the gospel, and life in general. Again, I don’t remember specifics of the discussion (and I'm kicking myself that I didn't take any notes), but I know that his testimony at the very end struck me enough to write him an email—something I’ve never done with a professor.

I didn’t expect a response. I just wanted to thank him. But I think his response was even more powerful than the testimony he gave in class.

And now I’m in a similar situation to the one I was in when I first read and heard that testimony. It’s a time of change, which I’m resisting because, like most people, I like what I know and what is comfortable. However, like before, I know that change is good and will allow me to grow and learn even more.

I don’t know all the reasons why, and all my decisions won’t be black and white. And sometimes I need to allow that moment for the Spirit to speak to me, without all my thoughts and doubts getting in the way. Three years ago, I learned that my answers come just how Joseph Smith and Brother Brown described—“a feeling of pure intelligence” and “a peaceful feeling that makes me think, ‘yes, I know.’”

Like Brother Brown, I believe that reason and faith can co-exist. Sometimes that’s how you know something is right. When it makes sense and you feel good about it, that could be the answer you are looking for. It’s not always going to be the easiest. And sometimes it hurts—a lot. Like, non-stop crying and a feeling like you don’t want get out of bed. But just know that you’re about to turn a corner to bigger and better things. Because you’re worth it.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

When I'm 23

So, I may or may not have gotten older recently. No big deal. I still feel like I'm an awkward 16-year-old, trying hard to be liked by her peers and figuring out what to do with my life. (Actually, I don't think I was that concerned with that second point at that age just yet.)

Anyway, last year I created a list of things to do in the next year. And I opened up my list last month and was shocked by the things that I had listed (I think you may be too). So, in the past month, I've been trying to do what I can. Yeah...that didn't turn out so great.

So, here it is. My list. Don't judge me my silliness or stupidity...or laziness. I've got a lot of growing up to do.

23 Things to Do When I'm 23

  1. Run a 5K.
  2. Double my savings account
  3. Go on a date. Well, considering my previous yearly average was 0, I exceeded expectations by dating someone.
  4. Sing more. The car counts, right?
  5. Read one book per month. Rekindling a lost love is hard.
  6. Learn how to moonwalk. I should have done this one when I was dating a person who knows how to moonwalk.
  7. Finish my cross-stitch. Maybe next year?
  8. Establish (good) credit. Wells Fargo, you've rejected me again.
  9. Eat a King Kong Cone from Macey’s. I discovered this year that I don't really like ice cream.
  10. Go swimming twice (and the hot tub doesn’t count).  I kind of hate swimming, so this was good.
  11. Hike the Y again and watch the sun set.
  12. Add 23 recipes to my recipe cards. Hmm...I think I added seven. And then I got Pinterest, which is now my digital recipe book.
  13. Make a cake. Completed this on Sunday. And it is dang good. Bam! Now I just need people to help me eat it.
  14. Read the entire Book of Mormon. Well, there was this one time I tried to read it in five days. I didn't make it past day 2.
  15. Do more genealogy.  Pretty sure my ancestors hate me.
  16. Watch 23 new movies off of AFI’s Top 100 Movies of All Time. I watched three, bringing my total for the list to 40 (though there are some movies I need to watch again because I saw them as a child).
  17. Attend 2 concerts.  Lea Solanga was amazing.
  18. Re-establish communication with 5 friends. Eh...I did this halfway.
  19. Watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Another post to come about this.
  20. Complain less and do more. This has been terribly difficult these past four months.
  21. Tour Welfare Square and the Humanitarian Center. I think this is on here because I thought I'd be across the country by now, so I had to hit up all the Utah tourist things before I left.
  22. Find out what I want to do with my life. Still figuring that out. However, I know I don't want to be a magazine designer.
  23. Fit comfortably into those jeans again. (And that skirt. And shirt.) Score on all accounts.

Monday, April 30, 2012

The times, they are a changin'

Once upon a time, there was a world before Facebook. In this world, you called people to find out what was happening in their lives, know when to meet them for dinner, and know where they were moving. They contacted you personally when they were in a relationship or got engaged. Baby announcements were actual mailed announcements and not updates on the mother's bodily functions. (So, you're xx cm dilated...TMI. T.M.I.) And your real friends wished you a happy birthday without a reminder glaring at them from a computer screen because they remember your birthday on their own. (And you didn't receive random, meaningless happy birthday greetings from people you barely know.)

How times have changed.

I shouldn't complain because Facebook is a somewhat of a blessing for people like me who are terrible at keeping in touch, but there are many negative aspects to it that I don't like. Mainly, how impersonal it all is. Sometimes people seem robotic, doing things without really thinking about it. "Oh, this video's trending; I'll repost it so I'm not left out." "Or this person just had something good happen. I should give them the standard 'congratulations.'" It's not, "Oh, I should call them." Or, "Maybe I should face my problems instead of Facebooking them."

We're becoming such a distant people, interacting virtually rather than personally. Because it's easier. Well, this is part of the reason our world is such a mess. We're forgetting how hard things really are because everything else is easy. Relationships of all kind take work. They take time, patience and nurturing. And no amount of Facebook stalking will give you a true relationship. That's the truth. You know it. And I know it.

So what are we going to do about it?

Sunday, March 25, 2012


As anyone who has known me since middle school can tell you, I have a song for everything. You say one word and it'll trigger a song. It used to drive my friends crazy. I've mellowed out since then, but I have my moments.

But you know that feeling you get when you find a song that describes what you are feeling absolutely perfectly? It's just this feeling of...relief. A feeling that you are not alone in your crazy emotions. Someone else gets you. And they are talented enough to put it into words with beautiful music. And sometimes it breaks you. And that's okay because you need to break and learn to put yourself together again.

Well, yesterday, as I tried to keep myself busy, Pandora sent me this gift.

Farewell (Album) by Rosie Thomas on Grooveshark

And it wasn't until today that it broke me. And lead me to do something dumb, girlish and not me. Well, it could have also been the copious amounts of Gilmore Girls clips I watched online last night. Because no girl can get enough of Lorelai and Rory, especially during the difficult times of life. And because they speak the truth.
"Because sometimes you have something you need to say, but you can't because the words won't come out, or you get scared, or you feel stupid. But if you could write a song and sing it, then you could say what you needed to say, and it would be beautiful, and people would listen, and you wouldn't make a complete idiot out of yourself. But all of us can't be song writers, so some of us will never get the chance to say what we're thinking, or what we want other people to know that we're thinking, so we'll never get the chance to make things right again ever."
-Rory Gilmore
("Love, Daisies and Troubadours")

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Good morning, Heartache

So here's the deal about heartache.

I've been through it before. I know it gets better. Life goes on. But, you know, sometimes I don't want to be told that. Who wants to be told something they already know?

Sometimes you just want to be sad. You want to wallow for a day...or week. The sadness comes and goes. Your mood changes. Sometimes the song of the day is something sad by The Weepies, and sometimes it's something upbeat by Snow Patrol.

For me, there was a lot of Snow Patrol those first two weeks. Then there were bouts of non-stop The Weepies, Jessie J's "Domino," and "They Can't Take That Away From Me" (which just so happens to be one of my favorite songs ever).

See, I'm fine. I've done this before and I can do it again. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I put myself in fictional situations that I know will never happen (think Tom and the party scene in 500 Days of Summer). But it's nothing that I can't handle.

I'll find someone else to take me to England. And someone else to culture with old movies and music. And someone else who loves Harry Potter just as much as I do. I'll find someone else.

And two years from now, I'll know why it all happened. Just like last time.