Thursday, October 14, 2010

How did I get here?

The past few days, I’ve been asking myself that question: “How did I get here?” More specifically, how did I get to this point in my life. I don’t remember growing up. When did college end? When did I get an adult job, making stuff for huge companies? I’m a career woman. Whoa. Who trusted me with that responsibility? And my car—I drive a car. My own car. I paid for it. I’m in charge of keeping it in working condition (speaking of which, it’s way overdue for its check-up).

And Utah. Why am I still here? Not my first choice. Or my tenth…or twentieth. How did I wind up here, living on my own (-ish—I still have roommates) and taking care of myself. Sometimes I'll just walk out of work and think, "This isn't my life. It's all a dream." (Thank you, Leo!)

This week I really miss being a college student. No, I don’t miss the homework or the tests. I miss the people. I miss having my friends surround me and live nearby. I miss staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning just because (or because of some homework). I wake up at 8am every morning. Ugh. I know it could be worse, but really I miss having flexibility in my life. Now my life is structured by work. I can’t spend 10 days at home for Christmas break because I have to come back and work. I will miss New Year’s with my family. I will be lucky to spend 5 days with them. I can’t just pick up and take a roadtrip. Vacation days are carefully planned and allotted, especially when you work in a very small office.

I haven’t grown up yet. I’m still growing. But I’m being pushed into a grown-up world—one that feels even more restrictive than the college world. I used to envy those who just worked all day and didn’t worry about school. Now, I envy those darn, crazy college kids with all their friends and freedom and fun. I hope I don’t have to work my entire life. And if I do, I will be so powerful and high up that I can do whatever I want. I can travel and take time off of my own choosing. Or maybe I’ll just freelance. That’s looking mighty appealing…

Sorry, dear two readers, for such a downer post. Next time, I’ll look for a more light-hearted topic to brighten the mood.